My raw, painful emotions show up on my thighs, my tummy, and my hips.
Because I resist.
I resist writing. I resist yoga. I resist self care.
I make up excuses. I keep finding more important things to do. A month ago I re-committed to a morning writing practice and yet, lately, I’m having a hard time writing. I know I can’t blame “Writer’s Block” (although I’m tempted). No, this is pure resistance.
I’m resisting because I don’t want to face my feelings. I don’t want the “stuff” to come up and out on the paper. When I do let it up and out, then it will be REAL. When it’s stuck in my head, it’s imaginary bullshit that I can keep pushing to the back of my mind, pretending that it’s not real. I can keep up the illusion that I’m fine – that everything is okay.
The illusion (or delusion) is costly! In order to keep pushing back the feelings that are stuck in my head I have to distract myself. I have to keep my mind and body busy. And, I’ve found that a really enjoyable way to do this is through food. I eat cookies, candies, and other sugary sweets. Hello RED Swedish Fish!! My raw emotions LOVE sugary sweets. It makes me forget about my worries, if just for a few minutes.
Of course, it’s a fleeting release. It’s a momentary escape.
As soon as I’m done (and let’s be honest, even while I’m doing it), I beat myself up. I drop down into self loathing. I pinch myself and say hateful things about my body. Then I move on to my health coaching profession and tell myself I’m unworthy. I ask questions like, “How can I teach other women to love and accept themselves when I’m still working on it myself? Where do I draw the line in the sand on this? How can I ask anyone to listen to me, if I’m not perfect?”
It is when I am deep in the spiral of self loathing that I finally grab the pen and start writing. The tears come now. The frustration I’m feeling about my personal life and the ending of my ten year marriage. The anxiety around getting my taxes done. The worry about my boys and the men they are becoming. The list goes on, but I let it flood out onto the page because this is what my body has been craving. It wasn’t really the chocolate – although that was a fabulous substitute. No, my body was craving a release. I tried to release through chocolate. But, it wasn’t the release my body was really, truly, deeply, madly craving. No, it was craving this earth shattering, howling, crying emotional release.
As my body’s racking sobs subside, my mind clears and my body feels exhausted but relaxed. More relaxed than it has been for days (since avoiding this!). And, as my mind clears, the truth also emerges…. I am a body empowerment coach because I understand the struggle. I am a body empowerment coach because I know that one’s relationship with one’s body is a lifelong journey. It’s not an illness that you can cure and suddenly never face again. (Heck, even the common cold comes to visit a few times a year!) Life is not linear. Life is cyclical. This is what I’ve been put on this earth to explore and to help others to explore. This is God’s mission for me. If I didn’t experience the challenge of emotional eating, I wouldn’t be able to have the compassion, understanding and first hand knowledge I do for my clients.
Today, post ‘writing release’, I am feeling confident, calm and ready.
What about you?
What do you do to hide from your emotions? What do you do when you know there is stuff that needs to come up but you’re terrified of what it will mean or that it will suddenly become REAL? Do you bury yourself in work? Do you eat your way through a bag of popcorn? Do you binge watch a series on Netflix? Share below.
And, I’m curious to hear what your favorite self-loving release activities are? Are you a writer like me? Is there someone you call and talk to? Do you process on a long run? Share below.
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